I haven't written for a few weeks. I have no idea what to put down on paper that could possibly reflect the way I feel right now. I put up the big blow up Santa you bought me and the light up reindeer. I only put up one of the deer. I cryed all night the night I did it. Actually I sobbed. Memories. I put up that damn tree. Its covered with bells for you. To remind me of the bell I gave you to call me with. There are no presents under the tree this year. I wish things were different financially. Maybe the kids will understand and forgive me one day. Its the little ones I hate to dissappoint. I feel like I have let everyone down. Baby, how did you do it? Being sick and holding it all together? I'm trying for you. I'm missing you so much its killing me. Christmas is never going to be the same for me. I love you Cliff.